"I am just a TEXT AWAY"

I have a confession to make!

People, who know me closely, also know that I am a lost person! Not lost, as in sad or depressed kind of lost, but lost as in I am very hard to keep in touch with!!(I can see all those nodding!) Let me explain, WHY? --- Coz when it comes to explaining at that moment, it gets very difficult!! It’s so difficult that I rather stay quiet and listen than revolt!!!!

Thanks to the GRAHAM BELL, MARTIN COOPER, TESLA and STEVE JOBS and all the names associated with phones, mobile phones, and smart phones! Because of you, today is possible!! And HUGE THANKS to those who thought about keeping TEXT MESSAGING and EMAILS alive, (people like myself still have hopes!)

I enjoy every bit of using my phone! But when it vibrates, my heart trembles!! Yes, I get petrified!! I have done nothing wrong, never had a grudge with anyone, never ever tried being rude to people, never got in trouble that a police would chase me, yet I get nervous!! I don’t know why, but trust me it’s not because of "the person" calling. Why would I be frightened to talk to my mom who is calling me??? Or why would I be reluctant to pick up a call from my closest friend?? Why don’t I call my husband, who I have not spoken to all day??? Not because they are not the priority!!! Of course not!! How can something that breathes air, and has flesh and blood be on a priority list!!! Isn’t priorities supposed to be linked with something like goals or desires?? For me: my priority this week would be to drink at least 8 glasses of water!!! Or by the end of this week, I have to choose a topic for my next blog and start working on it! (It’s that simple!) NOT like: speaking to Nanu and not baba!! (See, doesn’t even make sense).

I value all the little I have, the little I have is the best I have and I wouldn’t want to lose it at any cost.

So, why??? Why is it so hard for me to pick up the phone!!???

Because, first thing—I can’t see your face, which makes me unsure of what your expressions are like!!!! And neither can I show you my expressions. Expressions are necessary for ME to get involved in an interaction!! Why??? Because that’s me!!! That’s how I always was!!!! No matter how hard I try and am trying, it’s so difficult!!!!

Secondly, I fear to talk on the phone for phone calls involve conversation!! I am very bad talker!! I don’t know how to start talking and what to talk!! I am a very good listener though!!

I remember, when my then boyfriend-now husband used to call me (a long distance call), the call would hardly last for 5mins, whereas my friends who got separated 5minutes ago would talk to their friends for an hour or so!! How?? I don’t know!!

But then, I would talk with him in the messenger for hours; coz writing down my thoughts and feelings to express is easier for me than to tell it in person!!

You must be thinking the first thing and the second thing already contradicts, so I must be making up reasons but it’s nothing like that!!! Writing is different!! (You can’t see the expressions while writing??? But you don’t hear the voice too right???!!!), While I am writing, I am able to explain, empty out my feelings and get to the point!!! When I have to talk, I got no words- the vocabulary is down!!

Answering the text is much helpful to me than picking up the calls and talking!! (Some can also relate to this: I am answering them a minute ago, but I don’t pick up to answer their calls a minute after)

Third thing, I can’t talk to you when there are people around, doesn’t matter if the people around are my closest one!!! I feel while I am talking to you, it should be just you and me!! Like when I am lost in my thoughts and am talking to myself, it’s just my thoughts and me; nobody and nothing else!! Similarly, it should be you and me! And while seeking for that silence and solitude I miss your call!!! I think I will call you back, but that takes forever, and the longer it takes, the longer I have to explain why I didn’t call back… to explain that is difficult!!

I am tired of “this” self; I don’t want you, my loved ones, to think that you can’t count on me when you need me the most!! In fact, I would love to be a part of your lives but it’s difficult to make you understand! When nobody seems to understand, if fills like you failed, like you are hollow and no one!! Sometimes the guilt factor of not living up to your expectations reaches so high, I get anxious, I talk to myself, I create an imaginary you and I talk to that imaginary you, I explain everything and you understand, so---I almost reach out for my phone to call you and say, “sorry, I took so long to call back”, but the fact that when the real you would ask me WHY I wouldn’t be able to answer you and you wouldn’t understand, makes me keep my hand to myself!!!!

I completely understand, why you can’t understand!!!! Because I know it must be very disappointing to not be responded to, at times it must be annoying, and you have every reason to be angry and irritated with me!! And also you can’t understand coz you are not on the same shoe as me!! Like I don’t know your feelings of being unanswered, you don’t know my feeling of why I don’t answer! But, again, it is not YOU, and it is not ME too!!!

Can I tell you something??

There must be some ways we could help each other:

I want to get connected with you as much as you want to!!

Help me in this and I will forever be in debt with you,

Understand me coz I understand you too,

If you have your reasons, I have them too!!!

With due respect to each one of you, whose calls I didn’t pick up: APOLOGIES!! Love and respect!!! Thank you for always being with me!!!! You all mean a lot.

Just a thought:

I am a very people person! I love being around with people and listening to them and their stories. I enjoy times alone, but without the people I love, I would be lonely--I like being alone but not lonely!!

And may be there should be a phrase: “I AM A TEXT AWAY”.

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